Using Sex to Get Love

My husband brought up an interesting point last night.  We had attended a class together and the teacher brought up a statistic, saying that in a relationship, men’s #1 need is sex and that it didn’t even register on the top 5 for women!  This morning, my husband asked “If it doesn’t register on the Top 5, why do so many women come into a marriage having “known” so many sexual partners?”

My response was, “Women use sex to get love and men use love to get sex.” His next question was, “But then it’s a lie… they’re using something that isn’t that important to them in order to get a guy. Then when they get married, they’re not as interested after the first few weeks.” BINGO!

It’s the same scenario as I’ve written about in the past:  With my first husband, I pretended to love the same sports he did (he was my boyfriend at the time). But after a few years of marriage, I would just find a good book to read while he watched his beloved Cowboys. He was actually hurt when he yelled, “DID YOU SEE THAT?” and I looked up from my book and said, “What?” He was furious with me!  And I was furious with him!  How dare he get mad that I was reading a book!  But…  was it really his fault that I had pretended to like the things he liked?  I had never looked at the sex-part as the same scenario. God DID mean for sex to be for marriage and marriages need work in every area, even sex.  After the first 6 months of any relationship, married or unmarried, the endorphins go away and what’s left matters!

Just from my own experience, since my second (and forever) husband did court me, it was definitely a unique experience NOT to use sex necessarily to get a ring on my finger. All of the dating rules changed!  There was no bait & switch.  Neither one of us were annoyed that we’d been tricked!

Example:  He always opened the door for me when we went on a date and he still does, even if we’re just running to the hardware store.  It totally laid down a great foundation for our marriage.

So bottom line?  Be yourself.  Live by the principals you will want to come first in your marriage.

The F-Word

I hate sounding like an old fogey…  like my MOM!  Lol  But here I am!  I remember my high school graduation night in 1976.  I was with my best friend.  We were dating guys who were each other’s best friends and we were on our way to meet them.  I can’t  remember the conversation, but I remember saying, “Damn it!”  I gasped and put my hand over my mouth.   I had stunned myself!  My friend was driving and she gasped and looked at me with disbelief.

After that I would use the “D” word sparingly.  Once the abuse in my first marriage started, I would use the “F” word as a warning to him and for myself that I had reached the end of my rope.  If that word came out of my mouth, it wasn’t because I was about to explode, it meant I was in the middle of an explosion!  Was it right? No.  Scripture gives us the following verses (among many more):

  • Colossians 3:8 ESV ‘But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.”
  • Ephesians 4:29 ESV “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
  • Matthew 12:36-37 ESV “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”
  • Matthew 15:10-11 ESV “And he called the people to him and said to them, ‘Hear  and understand: it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person.'”
  • James 3:10 ESV “From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.”
  • James 1:26 ESV  “If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.”

To this day, I still struggle with reaching that level of rage and it’s usually when faced with false accusations or something being totally unfair.  I will walk out of the room before allowing myself to use that word.  I do NOT want to lose my witness, especially with loved ones…  and they’re usually the ones we’re the most comfortable around and allow our mouths to run out of control, right?

Today, I hear 12- and 13-year-olds using the “F” word where I wouldn’t have even used the “D” word at the age of 18.  It’s used as an adjective to enhance a verb.  So if the worst word in history is being used in mundane conversation, how do we know when anyone has reached the end of their rope?  When they pull a gun?  When they attempt suicide?

God tells us in his word how He wants His people to talk.  In order to attract a Godly man, mustn’t  our speech reflect our lives?  Shouldn’t our walk be transparent?  If we want people to want what we have found in Christ, shouldn’t our speech be pure? Give it a try for a few hours, a few days, a few months and the rest of your lives.  God expects it and so does your godly man.

Starting Over

If there was one thing I could do over again after my divorce and before all of my mistakes, it would be to take this class.  I urge anyone, man or woman, who has just had the rug pulled from under you emotionally and/or financially (usually they’re together).  Get with a friend and split the cost, but DO this program!  Call around and see if a local church is hosting it!  It’s amazing and I highly recommend it!

#GodlyWomen #FPU #FinancialPeaceUniversity

Jesus Wept

In John 11:33-35, it says:  (33) Therefore, when Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her weeping, He groaned in the spirit and was troubled. (34) And He said, ‘Where have you laid him?’ They said to Him, ‘Lord, come and see.’ (35) Jesus wept.

The first assumption people jump to is that Jesus was sad because his friend died…  but that doesn’t make sense, does it?

Have you ever had a friend come to you in deep pain and there was little or maybe nothing you could do, but you looked at them through tears; knowing that their pain was so deep that you grieved for them and with them?  I think Jesus wept for the pain of living.  He knew he was bringing Lazarus back, didn’t he?  He understood the pain of those who were living.

He knows your pain, too sister.  Whether you are laying by yourself in a bed and crying, or at a party where everyone’s on a date and you’re smiling and doing your best to enjoy yourself…  He sees you.  He knows what you’re feeling.  Never, ever doubt that.  He loves you that much.

Don’t allow doubt to linger.  You are loved beyond riches.

Sexual Abuse… Guard Your Daughters

I just heard some statistics that I’d like to share with the single Moms.

Sexual Abuse Risks state that:

  • For Non-biological married parents (example:  step parents) the chance of a child being sexually abused is 9x the normal risk.
  • For biological parents who are unmarried, the risk is 5x the normal risk.
  • For a single parent (usually the mother) cohabitating with someone, the risk is 20x greater than the normal risk.
  • For a single parent, living alone, the risk is 5 x greater than the normal risk.

For myself, I fell into the first bullet point when I was a child.  My step-father sexually abused me.  So as an unsaved young, single-mom I actually did live with a couple of guys.  My heart stops knowing the risk I put my children in.  Once I accepted Christ and started attending a true, Bible-believing church, I learned very quickly that the best thing I could do for my kids was to stay unmarried until they were out of the house.  I chose to do that and to this day, I’m grateful that I did.  I have no regrets that I was single for almost 19 years.

I go into more detail in my book, which is available on Amazon, among other places.  My first prayer as a born-again Christian was that God take my mistakes and use them; to please not let my pain go to waste.  I’m here to share my mistakes so that at least one person hears.  I’ve taken some virtual punches for my stance on abstaining from sex outside of marriage and I’m willing to take the criticisms and the derogatory remarks because somewhere out there, there may be one woman; one single mother; who needs some direction.  She’s reeling from a divorce or a bad breakup.  I’m here for you and I hear you.


God bless all of you, my sisters.  You are loved!